pardon me and my last post. it just wasn't hmm it just one of my stupid thought. well yeah it is

spilling truth

I might be one of unimportant person in your life, not to mention the boring one. The kind of girl you will never attracted to. I aware of that, from the moment I let myself fall for you. To make it even worse, I always hide my feelings. I put my pride above everything. I tried to be seen as if I never feel anything towards you. As if I don't mind with everything you ask me. As if I'm fine with all the paths we are going through. I was, actually, I was okay with all that, but as time goes, days change, and moment passes, I realize that I'm on denial. I deny my feeling. I try to be fine in front of other people, cover it all with laughs.

There will be no chance for you to change your mind, I supposed. Gonna close this thing as soon as possible then.

Oh and if you ever read this, no, I didn't write this to make you feel guilty or anything. Just need something to spill the truth because I have no guts to tell it to you by any chance. I never wanna be one kind of burden to you

I've turned into a cynical arrogant bitch lately. Sorry for any inconvenience I've made by this new perspective I have. One person there to blame, or maybe me to blame. No, I ain't a girl whose smile can cheer yer day. No, not anymore.

TransJakarta corridor 8th, 28th September 2009

The routine’s finally starts. 2 weeks of refreshment, laughing hard, spending quality time with your nearest dearest people finally over. Children go to school, people get to work, traffic becomes hectic, again. Ah life cycle, after lazy days at home –not so lazy though, remembering that the maid is doing ‘mudik’ tradition—we continue our duties, earn money for living, studying for a so called better future.

I went to a shelter near the City Bank. My uncle dropped me off. And I need to wait for the bus. Alone. No one there to talk to.

I entered the bus after waiting for like 5 minutes. The bus was already half full, of course, it’s their busy hours, 6 o’clock in the morning. There’s no chair left for me, so I choose to stand near the door. I put my Nocchi on shuffle. Approximately one hour ride, alone, no one to accompany, no one to talk to, no full moon glaring through the way, and no chair to sit and fell asleep. It forces my mind to think.

Nocchi plays Imogen Heap’s Goodnight and Go. I look around, the sun finally shows itself after hiding all night long. I saw this woman, sitting next to her 4 years old daughter. Her daughter fell asleep, and her mom hugging her tight. I remember my mom.

My mom, oh shewt, I’m crying when I type this part, she is the most caring person in the world I’ve ever known. I love her beyond everything else matter in this world. And I know, I’m not the best daughter she could have in this world. I couldn’t make her proud and happy by being accepted at prestigious university, I couldn’t help her taking care of my little sister and else. God knows, how I wanted to cry right at the very moment when I think of it at busway. Plus, these past 3 days, I aware that I was being one annoying daughter for her.

I love her beyond my words that written here on my blog. Beyond all these tears I made when I type this fucking short post. Beyond every cynical tone I made for her when she annoys me. Beyond all the songs she sings when I was a little kid. Beyond everything that she asks me but I pay no attention to them. Beyond every hug she gave me to soothe my terrible mood. Beyond every good morning and good night kiss we always shared. Beyond every phone call we made when she was out of town. Beyond everything, I mean it, everything that matters in the world.

I know this short, un-right grammar post I made isn’t enough. Everything I do won’t be enough to pay every love she has given from the day I was born. I just want her to know, that I really love her. Maybe she won’t read my blog. Maybe she will read it someday. I don’t care.

“Mama tau dek kalo kamu ada masalah, kalo kamu lagi down, walaupun kamu ga pernah lari duluan cerita ke aku. Mama emang ga selalu nanya kamu lagi ada masalah apa, tapi mama selalu ada waktu buat dengerin kamu. Buat merhatiin kamu dan tau kalo kamu lagi ada masalah.”

Using only song names from ONE BAND or ARTIST, cleverly answer these questions. Pass it on to 15 people you like and include me. You can't use the band I used. Try not to repeat a song title. It's a lot harder than you think! Repost as "my life according to (band name)"

Pick your Artist: Copeland

Are you a female: She’s Always A Woman

Describe yourself: I’m A Sucker For A Kind Word

How do you feel: Careful Now

Describe where you currently live: Walking Downtown

If you could go anywhere, where would you go: California

Your favorite form of transportation: Kite

Your best friend is: By My Side

You and your best friend are: On The Safest Ledge

What's the weather like: You Are My Sunshine

Favourite time of day: Good Morning Fire Eater

If your life was a TV show, what would it be called: No One Really Wins

What is life to you: Another Day In Paradise

Your relationship: You Have My Attention

Your fear: That Awful Memory Of Yours

What is the best advice you have to give: Don’t Slow Down

How I would like to die: To Be Happy Now

My soul's present condition: Strange And Unprepared

My Motto: Eat, Sleep, Repeat

By the window
The wind blows
The leaves fall
And I notice
From the first time we met
The first time you hold me
Things will end
By the time you get there



followers are welcome @denyarsania

Things finally become clear. I mean, clear enough for me to understand. We always need the third person who understand all of these better than we do, right?